Food, Food, Food..............

I was on a well known Social Media site the other day, and reading through peoples various posts. Some were funny, some sad and some were just a narrative on events of life.

And then I read a post from a friend who is the Fiancée of one of my oldest friends; a person who went through school with me, shared teenage life with me and lots of significant events in our history with me. I am proud to say that lots of things could not have happened without him being there. To be totally honest, along with another very long standing friend, also from when I was only about 7 or 8, he is similar to a brother!!!

As we left school and went to college I went the "A" level route and he went the chef route, so he learnt to cook, and he used this skill to very good effect for a good few years whilst working for some household names such as The Dorchester or Trust House Forte Group.

It was this training and success that has led his future wife to doubt herself, and try to emulate some of his work, now I want to turn the clock right back in my history, and show my culinary upbringing, and explain why this effects my friend...................

My Mother, and I am not speaking ill, or breaking a confidence, cannot cook!!! From the early days of her ill fated marriage to my Father her complete inability continued to amaze.

For a wedding gift she received a cookbook that suggested she needed a "pint of potatoes" my Father found her crying over a milk bottle trying to get potato out of it, this is a true story!!

My Mother went from bad to worse, one of my earliest memories is of a dinner party at my house, my Father, who ate no meat just fish, but was a good cook, told my mother merely to pod the peas. Surely a simple job??!! Having spent hours podding peas, all that was left was the cooking, this never happened, she dropped the peas!!! They went everywhere, Birds Eye to the rescue and the inevitable screams and shouts that took place still reverberate in my head some 35 years later when I think of this occurrence.

So having painted a picture let me sum up her cooking method, that still exists today -

1. Cook side 1 until it catches fire, then blow out flames.
2. Cook side 2 until it catches fire, then blow out flames.
3. Serve!!!

I need to just elaborate on my upbringing slightly here, in 1988 I met my Wife, I soon was invited to a Sunday Lunch at her house. I was just, literally just by a few weeks, 19 and until then had NEVER had a Sunday Lunch or roast dinner. When I was told that the Brother,  Aunt, Uncle, Grandparents, and Cousins were all going to be there I asked if it was a birthday or similar, and was most stunned to be told this was normal!! In weeks that followed I had Sunday Lunch at "Nannie and Grandads" and "Aunt and Uncles" as a result I am very close with all the family!!! But Sunday together and eating is normal and "the done thing. I never knew this.

And let me now explain how this picture also effects how my friend and I grew up and why he may not have told his wife a few details.................

I was the original latch key kid, that is not a complaint, we had a big house and garden, the river and a big pond. I knew three bounces of the Space Hopper and then "Whack!!" and my sister flew to the middle of the pond, and our village was small enough to be safe and back in the late 70's early 80's every adult was a parent and we all knew everyone else.

As a latch key kid we fended a lot for ourselves, after my parents divorced this was even easier as I was now living in a nice top floor flat, in an even safer road, with its own balcony, entry and garden. But remember my Mother still could not cook, so before going to work she would leave a sandwich or money to spend at the bakers and she then had to go.

Enter my friend.............. 

My Mother had instant Smash, a strange soya ready meal thing called Bean Feast, bread, salt and pepper.

We would have Smash sandwiches, Bean Feast sandwiches. I have known my friend eat a salt and pepper sandwich!! We didn't trust normal food, because who knew when it was bought, my Sister only ate Coco Pops or spaghetti and my Mother ate Cottage Cheese and boiled eggs because a weird diet said she should!!!

So we ate Smash and Bean Feast, bolognase or some sort of day-glow yellow curry flavour. So my friends fiancée may be worrying, but I say STOP!! Just show this to the big guy, and when he stops laughing, he will be humble and be quiet, and of course if this doesn't work give him a Smash Sandwich!!!!