Oh Lord won't you buy me............

A Mercedes Benz, a colour TV, or a night on the town!!!

If all my friends drive Porsche's they have no children, great jobs and no mortgage!! But hey, jealousy will get us everywhere and we may as well keep asking the good Lord!!!

Janis Joplin, she sang about this, but she was smart, she was quite open, her friends apparently all drove Porsche cars, so she asked for a Mercedes Benz!! I see the wisdom here, why be a sheep...... everyone has a Porsche, so have a Mercedes, it may be a little bit slower, but it is different and in the long run who really cares about a small bit of speed when all around have the same. Look at another way, Porsche cars are easy to sell, no one wants to buy a Mercedes so the price falls in line with the lack of demand, who is silly, not Janis...............

I jest, and take the magic out of a song that truly is magical; "Lord won't you buy me." Your wish is my command, I am sure I have said this before, and yet here we are, yet again, with a classic song, telling us to do exactly the same.

But wait, we take music for granted, we listen to tunes all the time and frequently have no idea what we have heard. I sit here at the end of August knowing that I listened last night to the Trans Siberian Orchestra and some of their Christmas songs before their Night Castle Album which is not Christmas. I am sat here now with a variety of songs playing from Bat Out of Hell through to a version of Hallelujah performed by Jeff Buckley.

Every possible type of music is here, a few classical tunes such as Jerusalem and Land of Hope and Glory, and some real weepy love songs, "mushy crap" as they are referred to by my nearest and dearest. Throw in a helping of ballads and some heavy rock such as Led Zeppelin and Guns and Roses and suddenly we have a variety which becomes divers to the extreme. And I do not care, I like all the songs, and that is all that matters. The mix is called JTS Ipod and it is on my Ipod, and when I can't sleep, which is often, in go the earphones, on goes the mix and Voilà, 10(ish) hours of music!!!!

I have other things on the Ipod, albums and audio books, and this brings me to my warning of tonight, Audio Books.......

I want to warn everyone of the dangers of listening to audio books, when in bed, and then falling asleep.

• We start listening, and enjoying the book, it begins at chapter 1 and away we go.
• It works its magic and at chapter 12 we fall asleep.
• The book keeps playing and in our sleep, or however, the Ipod turns off at chapter 27.
• Rewinding on an Ipod is not really possible.
• Up to chapter 12 we have listened intently and heard a key character die / go to prison forever / vanish.
• Chapter 32 and the character is doing something vital!! Has he been resurrected / escaped / reappeared???
• Before we find out, and still worrying we fall asleep!!
• Chapter 58, more confusion, and is the afore mentioned character now dead / escaped / in prison / vanished / appeared????
• Sleep is now impossible, rewind is not an option and you now stay awake until the end of the book.
• And you are still not really any wiser!!! 

And I can prove this, I have had the audio book of the Lost Symbol by Dan Brown for over 2 years, I have listened to this at least a dozen times, and at this time I STILL HAVE NOT HEARD THE WHOLE BOOK!!!!

My wife has bought me the paperback version, so I have had the audio book that long, but I am that confused that I am afraid to read it, all I know is that there is revenge involved, a kidnap, masons and Washington DC and also that Robert Langdon gets drowned, very graphically, but 10 chapters later is being a hero!!! There is a love interest for him and he does save her at some point, I think after he drowns, but by now I am just confused again, so it may be earlier!!

So now I have passed on my warning, I realise I have rambled a little tonight, maybe it is like listening to an audio book - it misses out chunks, but you never know where or what!!!!

I hope it helps...............

Get Flocked!!!!!!

Yawn, stretch, yawn again, have a scratch or two............

Look around the room and see if everything still looks vaguely in-place -

1. Bed, Yes, I am lying in it.
2. Wife, Yes, looking perfect lying next to me.
3. Mirror on wall, Yes, still there and still straight(ish).
4. Radio, Yes, and playing BBC London, what is Paul Ross talking about now??!!
5. Ottoman, Yes, Still in place and with a few clothes on it.

Looking good so far, the children are still asleep, or at least not in my room, and the sky outside, behind the curtains, does not sound like it has water falling from it.

Let me cut the boring part out here, no one needs to know about my trip to the shower and other associated ablutions, so let us just assume they all took place as needed!!

It is the part that happened next that is the shock, not the usual get dressed part, not the normal hair drying and "choose a tie" routine, it is what happened after that.

I opened the curtains, I looked at the sky, and observed that the sun was slowly peaking through the daily clouds, and then my eyes drifted down to check the garden was all as it should be, a totally normal thing to do........

I HAD BEEN FLOCKED!!!!!!!

Resting quietly in my garden was a flock of flamingos, a whole crowd of birds, 36 in total, were quite happily stood in my garden enjoying the ambience and the fact it wasn't raining!!!

What could I do or say, here was a flock of 36 pink flamingos mooching around in my garden as if there was nothing in the world to worry about, not a thing that mattered other than whether their plumage was pink enough!! Everyone thought it was great, everyone felt the flamingos were full of fun; all the children wanted to do was be in the garden with them all!!

Why was no one concerned that I had been FLOCKED!!! In the night some one, or more than one, had crept into my garden and FLOCKED me!!! I had 36 flamingos in my garden, and they were pink, the same pink as my shirt!!!! In fact when I went out we had 37 flamingos, just one was big and a bit fat rather than smooth and elegant as the other 36.

Who would want to  flock me? I had suspicions, I felt I knew who had told "the leaders of the pack" to flock me, but no one was talking. Everyone who may have know was silent and those that were involved were definitely not going to reveal anything. 

So I admit defeat, I enjoyed being flocked, I was proud to have the flock with me for a day. And then I called the number on the tag and then the birds vanished, and at my request, and following funds (for charity) passing over, I also arranged for someone to be flocked, I hope they were as surprised as me and also as thrilled....................  

Help there is a big cat loose..............

Help there is a LION loose in the Clacton area, that is Clacton in Essex, is this much maligned county opening itself up for more ridicule???

Can an Essex inhabitant tell the difference between a Squirrel and a Lion? many would say NO!! If current press reports are to be believed this is correct, and if the television show about Essex couples, or changing couples, is followed, a Squirrel would appear to be more of a threat than a Lion!!!

It has been suggested that the Lion cannot be in Essex, why?  The 'Lion' that was seen in a field in Essex was just a Golden Retriever with a spray tan and hair extensions.

And the jokes roll on and on............


For the best news story ever, we just need 1 of The Only Way is Essex girls to be wearing a zebra style jacket & for that lion to swing by!!!

Text from Prince Harry: "There's a lion loose in Essex? Big deal. You should see the dogs in Vegas". Awkward.

- Hope they manage to find the Essex lion before somebody persuades it to get mane extensions and a vajazzle.

Now I could carry on here but I am going to stop, but as Mr Kenny Everett would say "It is all done in the best possible taste!!!"

But, if we look seriously for a minute, well sort of seriously, and just take a scenario..........

Mr Lion in Yorkshire, where he was seen last, hops on the train, that was held stationary for 2 hours because of him, and toddles off down to Clacton. Yorkshire is nice but we all like a holiday sometimes, so off he goes..............

Now he is in Clacton, he goes for a wonder in the woods and sees some friends, the odd Puma and Leopard, that we all deny exist(!!), and just enjoys a break. But then, shock horror he wonders out of the thick wood and finds that he is just in thick grass. Unintentionally a few humans see something, some take photo's and panic ensues.

To try and throw trackers off the scent all poo is collected in poo bags and put in bins, the Lion and all his friends run around roaring randomly so that stupid people say they heard a huge pack of Lion's at all sorts of places. The police and searchers decided that 1 of 2 things we going on here -

1. The whole thing was made up and people are just messing around now, after all this is Essex, and as said this might be a squirrel and balloon!!
2. It might really be a Lion, and they are dangerous, so refer to No.1 and deny all knowledge of this No.2!!!!

So the police have an ideal get out clause, the people of Essex are victims of their own past reputation, and now all things being equal Mr. Lion can have a nice holiday, and when ready can get a train back up to Yorkshire!!!!! 

I need to post this............

I need to post this joke, I cannot take credit for it, that must go to my Step-Mother, I also want to say up front that this is the Irish version of the joke.

You can replace the Irish bit with 2 Jewish chaps - Moshe and Benny - or 2 Scottish men - Jock and Jim - or maybe 2 Indians - Raj and Arif - whoever you choose I think you get the point!!



The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left...phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin' hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin' sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin' clock!"

Mid Life - A time for a crisis??

Mid-Life Crisis, here it is a train wreck waiting to happen, and potentially as we all reach an age that can be considered "mid-life" here comes the crisis!!

So what is mid life, and indeed what is the crisis?? is it a real occurrence or are all of us using it as an excuse? A fable we use to cling to our youth and deny the encroaching years, a reason "why", or just a lame get out clause that is raised when the going gets tough.............

Mid-Life, if we forget unforeseen accidents and illnesses, not because they are any less tragic just for ease they are not appropriate here, we assume mid-life to be a mystical era that we all strive to attain and avoid at the same time!!!

We are happy to say we are early 40's but not middle aged, we laugh when so called old people say they are middle aged, but deny we are near there. So is middle aged also a never to be realised era that only exists in the imagination? Old people want to be that young, and "young" people could never be know as middle aged!!!

So if middle aged is a fable that we never really are, and we seem to jump from "early 40's" to "old people" where does the mid-life bit fit in? how can we have a crisis if the crisis time doesn't exist??!!

What is classed as mid-life, it is not early 40's but later, say 45 that means we will all be at least 90 when we call it a day and go onto pastures new, Prince Philip is, I know of other 90+ people. My own heritage would suggest an earlier time, my Father checked out at 65 so did my Mothers father. My Fathers Mother was around 65 as well. Ironically my other Grandmother and Grandfather were well into their 80's. My Mother is approaching 70 rapidly and spending my inheritance nicely!!!! But based on these, although somewhat scant, facts I should accept my mid-life was a few years ago, and also I can no longer have a crisis!!!

Which brings us nicely to the whole crisis subject..........

From observation the crisis seems to take 3 forms -

1. A juicy affair
2. A complete going off the rails and mad stage
3. The purchase of a very silly large motorbike

If we look at these 3 areas all have significant downsides - 

No.1 ends and normally badly and with divorce

No.2 ends badly and normally with medical intervention, and maybe divorce

No.3 ends (probably) badly, with medical intervention, life altering injuries, and a stupid grin!!

So what happens?? I only talk from one side of the coin, I have a view that is only my view and in no way can be used as an excuse. I do not want irate partners coming after me having been told "this blog said this, so I did that!!" 

When we reach the elusive age called "mid-life" a panic sets in, suddenly a wake up call occurs and reality hits as any unfulfilled dreams or thoughts may well be about to be slipping away terminally. 

Some people always wanted to sleep with hundreds of people, or just that one hunk or beauty at school - hence the affair.

Others wanted totally unattainable dreams, at 20 they looked real at 30 they were there still by mid-life realisation occurs that they will never happen, and off the rails they go.

Some always wanted the thrill of danger and speed, they yearned to be a pilot in the RAF or Jenson Button, but, in reality life said "NO" now they can do a little, thus the motorbike!!

And from the ashes of a dream formed in youth comes the mid-life crisis!!!

Some people are lucky; they don't have the crisis, life goes on and with it their lives. They have what they want and need, they asked for whatever and "your wish is my command" they got it. They may have an "Old Age Crisis" however, one thing at a time!!!!

Personally, I feared being 40, many men did, I feared the thought that I may have a mid-life crisis to worry about.......and what happened, absolutely NOTHING!!! Maybe I was already off the rails and mad!!! I really don't do motorbikes, no balance you see, I fancy a convertible but that is sanctioned, and as for the other I am unshakeable for my wife, and the man or mouse thing eek, eek, eek............

So is the whole mid-life thing overrated, Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh would say so, my jury is still out, I know of plenty who have had and are having a crisis. I know of many divorces, I know of more motorbikes!! All I do know for sure is that like it or not we all get older and at 40ish something does change, or maybe we just realise our own mortality for the first time when our child challenges us to a race to the car and wins......................

A Win / Win For Christmas

I want to propose a quick win/ win scenario here.

I have been forced to think of this due to the occurrence of two recent events..............

1. Suddenly, the back to school ads are coming to an end, and surprise, surprise, Christmas ads and talk has started. It has not yet reached the end of August and yet already retail is gearing up for Christmas!!! Go into a large supermarket such as Sainsbury or Tesco and I guarantee that the signs are there - the tops of shelf units clearing, winter clothes coming into stock, and I bet there are sneaky appearances of a few early mince pies or tins of chocolates to start you thinking!!
2. I am being bombarded with various reports, mainly by email, telling me of the impending doom and prophesied end of the world on the 21st December. The 3rd phase of the Mayan calendar ends then and with it the world as we know it. How I know the world is still under debate, how we debate this economic, biblical or through war, the Mayans, who have always seemed pretty clever, have said "Bye-bye" on December 21st!!

So here is the Win / Win...........

If we wait until the 22nd December before doing any proper Christmas shopping we can't lose, if the world ends as we know it we can forget worrying about Christmas and we will still have our money or a smaller overdraft / credit card bill to not add to our worries!!!

If there are no real changes, by the 22nd December retail will be in its usual panic and the sales will have started and everything will be cheaper, so we save money and thus, and again, the overdraft or credit card bills are less!!!

And so whichever way we look at things, all clouds have a silver lining, and there is a positive in all............ A win / win scenario................

Your Wish is My Command.............

Abracadabra, Hocus - Pocus, Open Sesame, Hey Presto, Bippity - Boppity - Boo!!, Shazam!!!, or just Izzy Wizzy Let's get busy................

Magic words, words to provoke magical occurrences. I walk into a certain bedroom and say one and hope it magically becomes tidy, I look towards a child and say another and hope it means an Xbox is forgotten for a while and I am remembered. The law of attraction says "ask and you will receive - Your wish is my command!!"

The reality of visualisation, if I visualise hard enough, and long enough, here comes the goods............

What if I am watching a film about elephants, I like elephants and sit here visualising how great an elephant would be. Goodbye Volvo, hello Jumbo!!! I go to bed still laughing about the thought of going to Tesco on my elephant and parking it in the car park.

And then Shazam!! "Your Wish is My Command!!" here comes an elephant for freeeeeeee!!! But i wanted a blue one with go faster stripes!!

If this is how the law of attraction works we have a problem, if I had watched Sigourney Weaver in Alien last night who knows what would have arrived!!!

Let's look at the serious side of this, if you think you feel sick, you will be sick, if you visualize being poor by saying you are poor, guess what, "Your Wish is My Command!!"

And here is the funny thing, tell the bank the story that you are rich and not to worry and see what happens, watch their eyebrows go up.

When HSBC (or similar) ring and point out your overdraft is now larger than the national debt of a small countries like Papua New Guinea; it is not because they are going to send you a prize and cup. When I asked how big a space I needed to clear on the sideboard for the cup they did not see the humour in this!!!

Remember the Law of Attraction will attract to you what you ask for, the Laws of Visualisation helps you visualise. So visualise the house on the hill, the car to suit the house and the bank balance to match. Then just ask for it.

"Your Wish Is My Command!!!"......................

A new start Friday 23rd August 2012

Today is the 23rd August 2012, for a period of time, one to long, I have, for reasons too complicated to discuss, left this Blog untouched...............

I always used it as an area to talk about anything, air any views and publish thoughts that many of us felt about. Some were controversial and others were merely fun. I remember asking for Desert Island Discs selections and associated items, and we had fun. I also ranted about the price of fuel, at the time we were annoyed, looking where we are now we must all of been "poco loco!!!"

So what now???

This remains a Blog to talk of anything, but, I have learned, or maybe have been taught, to be a little less controversial, or perhaps the phrase here is that I should wear my heart on my sleeve a little less, and stop revealing every intimate detail of my life!!

I also am aware that as I get older, now not 30 something but early 40's, I am more outspoken and less tolerant, I am a young "Victor Meldrew", but also I see humour everywhere and I pick up on this and share it. A one line Christmas cracker joke is fine, but, a real life occurrence is often so much funnier..............

I had coffee last week with a friend who genuinely has only one leg, this is a tragedy and I would never mock this, I myself am disabled, we were talking, along with a round table of a few others and my Friend was saying how he lost his leg at a certain hospital. An involuntary response came from my mouth "That was careless, do you want a lift back to find it??!!" It was humour from reality.

The laughs occurred, he followed up by pointing out he could not enter an arse kicking contest, again hilarity followed!!!!

My question I leave you with is one for you to check, my friend with one leg alerted me to this, but mine is sorted out. Is your kettle an upstairs or downstairs one?? It is important that if it is an upstairs kettle it is in the bedroom and downstairs in the kitchen. If you have a bungalow use the loft!!!! I think this is a similar thing to using the microwave to fast freeze by turning the timer clock in reverse..............